My next post was going to be about the 3 gifts my Fairy Godcat cursed me with: writing, procrastination, and reckless optimism. But I'm going to save that for another time. This is more urgent, I need to splurge.
I'm blocked! Actually, no, that's a total lie.
... And I am allowing my brain-melting terror to melt my brain. How pathetic is that. And due to my terror, I'm going to side-step the issue and work up to it...
I originally set up this blog to force myself into writing and finishing my last script. And it worked! The terror of blogging (instant readership) outweighed my terror of people - honest to goodness strangers - actually getting to read my screenwriting (delayed/potential readership).
I finished my script #1, in all it's first draft, car-wreck glory, and entered it into South West Screen's development competition, and also posted it on TriggerStreet for comments so that I could get enough ammo to work out how to rewrite the sucker.
And that's when everything went horribly wrong... or possibly right...? - - Jury's still out on that.
It virtually leaped like a salmon into the top ten on TriggerStreet, and then *horror* got nominated for Screenplay Of The Month. ... Sure, it's an okay story, but it does need a heck of a lot of work still. I can only assume I got very lucky with the readers who were assigned to it#2. What this means is that I get free coverage from ScriptShark. Very cool. Which will no-doubt point out all the many areas that need work (assuming they have enough space in the coverage for that!), so I'm looking forward to getting this. It will be excellent to get professional coverage. I am a very happy bunny, in that respect.
What is causing the brain-melt ... finally I cut to the chase ... is that with delusions of actually possibly, maybe having the talent to be a screenwriter [unwavering core of self-belief and total arrogance#3 asserts itself: I have talent. I am a god of screenwriting, it's just that no one has noticed yet!], I am trying to put together an application to the UK Film Council for funding so that I don't have to worry about where the next meal is coming from while I devote myself full time to writing one of my screenplays.
This is where the brain-melt sets in: which one?
A brand new one? Fleshing out an old idea for a new one? Rewriting a first draft? ... ARGH!
Each time I sit down to narrow down my options, pick a story/create a story, I get part way into it and then look at the decisions I'm making and question them into oblivion. It's the fear that's doing it. The exact same fear I want to comment on properly in future posts, the fear that I know I have to work on; the fear that prompted the title of the blog, the fear that prompted the creation of this blog. The fear of success (I think it is success rather than failure?), which then leads to procrastination.
Darn it, I am going to be a professional screenwriter! I just need to get this effing self-doubt under control. *gnashing of teeth* I blame my parents. ;)
#1 Title:The Grim, genre: horror. Here's a link, if you're mad enough to want to read it: The Grim
#2 It wasn't good enough to make the shortlist for South West Screen's recent development competition. www.swscreen.co.uk
#3 All screenwriters have this - no matter their level of talent or lack thereof. Ignore any denials, if they didn't have it they wouldn't be trying to earn a living as a self-employed writer. Okay, maybe not all, but I reckon the majority do. So nyar! *blows raspberry*